Monday, February 15, 2010

Guest Blogger!

HEY! It's me, PATSY! lulu is knee deep in unloading and reorganizing from the show.  So, grab a cocktail or three, sit down and put on your peepers.  This is the TELL-ALL about Ms. lulu-priss at PONTE VEDRA.  When she says Pickled Hens she really is talking about herself...

So, I have been sneaking a peak at lulu's diary interviewing the Hens.  Mimi Macrame told me about her first time to the beach and seeing lulu in action.  Lawd.  Some things should never be witnessed...
Mimi and BLondie arrive late one Friday.  Apparently, lulu and Nina Xena Montana were out on the beach having their annual 'hippie nippie run'.  No moon was the sky that is...You could hear lulu yelling 'I"M FREE....I'M FREEE before you saw this Coppertone fanny running down the beach. oh brother.  THis is when someone should've rounded her up like a runaway cow on a cattle drive.  Nina wasn't screaming anything as she probably wanted to keep all her teeth in her head...pass me a drink. hic hic

After the FREEDOM runners were corralled everyone decided to go next door to the 'COCONUT HUT' to see what was happening.  The CC is a members-only beach club.  A lot of those guys there look like they still wear a Members Only jacket.  So, there wasn't much going on at 11:00pm UNTIL the Hens waddle in. It's empty.  PAR FOR THE COURSE lulu says "LET"S GO SWIMMING!" and proceeds to take off her bathing suit and jump in the pool.  There they are...lulu, Nina and Grace: The Dysynchronized Swim Team! It looked like 6 fried eggs floating on top of the water.  Idaho was RUNNING BY THE POOL(!) yelling Idaho, Idaho!  hee hee hee  Idaho Idaho Idaho...Somebody call Lifetime Channel and get a movie crew!

After the mermaids are hauled out of the water and marched back to the house...Blondie and Mimi blurt out
'Gee, I wonder if the security cameras were on?'......Oh. Dear.   Mimi says she's never heard such silence from the Pickled Hens EVER!  lulu runs to the freezer, pulls out the tequila bottle and starts lining up shot glasses.  "IF we don't remember, then it DID NOT HAPPEN, RIGHT?" she asks with that smarty-pants look she always pulls out when she thinks she's is THE cleverest (this happens so often that usually they ignore her). HOWEVER this was one time she was probably on to something.  Bombs away...and boy did they ever...

The Next Day...a brood of towel-draped, sunglassed, muu-muu sporting females set up far far far away from the Coconut Club.  After about an hour sweating in their Hawaiian Tropic get ups the Glimmer Twins (Blondie and Mimi) start guffawing and snickering.  Apparently, there are NOT ANY CAMERAs at the CC.  But all of a sudden they stopped their party-of-two when they saw some rather official looking men in JACKETS walking through the throngs of CC members.  The men were not looking not at faces but at, well, you Mimi 'casually' walks over as if she is the Girl from Ipenema (more likely the girl from Ipecac) and hears the overhead speaker requesting ''...Ms. Ida Ho.  Miss Ida Ho.  Please report to the office.  Miss Ida Ho, Miss Ida Ho please report to the office."

It was at that moment the little brood of hens decides to go inside and play cards...until dark..and they could do it all over again.

The next story of lulu at the beach is a doozie.  I suggest anyone who invites lulu to the beach to seriously think twice after you read this Believe-It-Or-Not weekend.

2004.  A year that will live in Infamy.  How they actually remember this is beyond me.  lulu really shouldn't keep a journal.  Especially when I know where she hides (top drawer under the black underwear).

Turning 40 the prior year did something to lulu therefore it also took hold of The Hens.  lulu always books the rental car and drives from the airport to the grocery store etc then beach and then back to the airport.  SHE NEVER, EVER LEAVES the house/beach once they arrive in PV.  EVER.  She also never does Jack SH$*.  It is a point of Pride she fiercely protects. And lives up to.    She doesn't cook, clean, make drinks.  Nada.  She just presides over the festivities.  She does not wear shoes or underwear because she is always in her bikini.  Yes.  She has to wear a string bikini. and annoy everyone. because she CAN wear a string bikini.  Bitch.  Are you getting the picture of MS Wonderful?  Well go ahead multiply that behavior by 100 for this chapter.
  1. She sets up her beach chair first thing in the morning (after her daily EmergenC and coffee)
  2. Grabs one book (SHE READS OVER a book/day.  How she can do THAT and hold a cocktail and see straight are beyond laws of physics), and
  3. Waits for the COAST GUARD to fly low over the waterline (you know how much she LOVES men in uniform, right?) so she can salute them by FLASHING HER EGGS at them!  It is a good thing she isn't someone's mother.
  4. Then goes sashaying down the beach looking for shark's teeth and making sure her Coppertone Moment happens at least once!
AND SHE IS SOBER.  Every day this happens at PV.  This particular year she never made it outside one day...
Backstory: The Thursday they (Grace, Idaho and lulu) arrived they did the normal routine of going to the grocery store, liquor store, Seafood Store and Home.  NinaXena wasn't coming until Friday as she had a funeral to attend Friday morning and was coming down early evening Friday.  The Glimmer Twins were coming down Friday after lunch and rented their own car. 

Thursday the three little hens started early and hard.  Why not, they were all ready at the beach with sunshine and 82 degrees and NO TROUBLES!  During the cocktail hour (the Official one before dinner if you're confused as there are many C Hs) they decide to call Nina!  Stupidly Nina answers her cell phone.  The 3 hyenas start screaming and laughing...announcing that's it's 7 pm and does she know where her teeth are?etc.  Nina is in the backseat of a car with her mother and father.  They are coming home after the visitation of the dearly departed (I think an aging great uncle(?).  Nina, mortified that they are having fun and she isn't, hisses into the phone..".you better not drink all the vodka! " Nevermind that her parents can hear the caterwauling and howling.  They continued to call her all night. 

FRIDAY:  Three little hens aren't feeling so well.  But routine is comfort so lulu does her thing.  Grace does hers (runs 5 miles barefoot in a sarong) and Idaho does her beachwalk to Miami and back).  BECAUSE NINA is flying in at 7:00 pm and BECAUSE lulu is always the driver and BECAUSE she lost in rock paper scissors lulu has to remain sober.  all. day.  So, The Twins arrive around 2.  The blender starts whirring and frozen drink hour begins.  Around 6 they assemble a portable bar for the drive to the airport.  Nina has to have her Vo'ka and grapefruit juice. It's no wonder her tooth falls out with all that acid and vodka!

Idaho rides shotgun with lulu.  She's sipping on her cocktail.  lulu's because she thinks the DTs will go away the faster she drives (?)  They called Nina and told her NOT TO CHECK A BAG as she will delay their return to the beach.  lulu drives up to the Arriving Passengers and slows down to 3mph and Nina jumps into the car and they resume normal speed. 

IT IS NOW 11:00pm  The vodka bottle is almost gone (1/2 gallon ) the tequila bottle is empty (1/2 gallon) and 8 empty wine bottles are in a heap on the trash pile.  Feathers are everywhere.  lulu decides she has to go out onto the beach.   

IT IS NOW 11:30pm.  lulu returns to the house.  uh oh.  beach door is locked.  uh oh.  front door is locked.  uh oh.  no one hears the beating, cussing and banging of little hands on thick doors as everyone must have their heads stuck inside their pillows.  dammit. 

IT IS NOW?????  lulu wakes up on the cement steps outside of the locked porch door.  owow. neck is in an unnatural position.  She stumbles out back and looks up the 5 feet to the bottom of the very large sliding door screens. Good news!  No one locked the screen doors!!!~she pushes them open just enough to fit in.  With a vertical jump of 3 inches it is a miracle she was able to grab hold of the iron railing and pulls her sand-clad body up up up and over the railing and inside.

IT IS NOW 11:30 AM Saturday  lulu wakes up.  whoa.  wha happened.  she hears voices coming from the kitchen.  oh dear.  feel. like. crap. what is in the bed?  sand. lots of sand.  oh. dear.

IT IS NOW NOON  lulu manages to stumble into kitchen.  Grace is there all chipper. Asking lulu if she's been out on the beach all ready?  blah blah blah blah blah

lulu manages to bark that she was LOCKED OUT and had to spend some time sleeping on the stairs! and who-in-the-hell locked the freakin' doors???   oh the room starts spinning....

Grace giggles: "oops I guess I locked you out.  I though you were all ready in bed.  One minute you were here and then next you were gone. "Idaho said you passed out...

lulu and Idaho share the big king size bed in the Master bedroom  Neither of them ever move so it's like sleeping alone. BUT STILL, How could she not see lulu wasn't in the bed. Or maybe that is a possiblity with was a pretty rough night. grrrrr

lulu was at near death all daaaaaay.  All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put lulu back together again.  UNTIL, Nina came to the rescue with ALka-Seltzer at 5:00pm.  It will take you either high or low but you will have an outcome to your hangover.  Luckily, lulu went high and kept her wits, ahem, inside her gut.  She lay in the big bed (and listened to her cherished friends laugh their keisters off over Ms. Thing sleeping outside like a skid row bum and wasn't it sooo funny that Grace locked the doors (And bolted them) because,you know, We NEVER lock the doors.  and wasn't it hilarious that lulu brought in most of the beach into the bed and Idaho didn't even notice.  And what about how ridiculous it all was that lulu actually climbed up the railing and got inside and no one heard a thing?  All the while they are running up and flashing lulu by pressing their eggs smack dab on the glass.  Quality.  nothing but quality.  Of course lulu made Nina go to the store and buy chicken noodle soup, Kraft macaroni&cheese, saltines and chocolate milk. AND bring it to her in bed on a tray. 

IT IS NOW SUNDAY.  lulu finally found the beach.  She comes out and solemnly declares"  I AM GOING TO AA when we get home.  I AM NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN!".  And this time I mean it.

IT IS NOW 30 minutes after lulu's self-intervention.  lulu honey, do you want a strawberry or a peach daiquiri? 
lulu:  "Oh, peach please! " Yay. We don't have to fly home until 5:00pm on Monday!  Who is going to the liquor store?  You know it's not gonna be me.  Hey, get me a pack of smokes, too while you're there..."

Bottoms Up!

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